So I decided to dive into these 70s beer cans that everyone keeps romanticizing about. Dug through my dad’s old garage first since he never throws anything out. Found like twelve busted Schlitz cans covered in spiderwebs – most were crushed flat under old tires. Gross but exciting!
Tracking Down The Classics
Hit up flea markets every weekend for a month. Old dudes kept pointing at my list saying “kid, you won’t find that crap anymore” when I asked about Billy Beer or Schlitz Light. Finally scored a rusty Schmidt’s can at a barn sale in Jersey. Paid five bucks for it while the seller mumbled about “hipster garbage”.
Then I drove to six antique malls looking for the holy grail: Hamm’s Original from ’76. When I found one? Man cracked the seal by accident while wiping dust off! Foam shot everywhere like a dang fire extinguisher. Ruined my favorite jeans but smelled exactly like stale cornflakes.
The Taste Test Nightmare
Tried drinking what survived the collection. Holy hell – Pabst Blue Ribbon tasted like someone brewed it in an ashtray. Miller High Life had these weird floating chunks. Gave my buddy twenty bucks to sip Olympia and he spat it straight into my lawn. Said it reminded him of hospital disinfectant.
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Top 3 Reactions From Blind Tasting:
- Coors Banquet: “Kinda like piss water but refreshing?”
- Budweiser: “Nope. Just nope.”
- Schaefer: “Is this even beer? Tastes like wet cardboard!”
Surprise winner was Miller Lite. Not cause it was good – nobody threw up immediately. Weird how marketing convinced people this was premium stuff back then.
The Awful Conclusion
Wasted summer and $300 proving something obvious: 70s beer mostly sucked. People didn’t drink it cause it tasted amazing – they bought whatever commercials screamed loudest or cost fifty cents less. Found out my grandpa only bought Stroh’s cause the factory gave free calendars. Modern craft beers would’ve blown their minds.
Still keeping the rusty Schmidt’s can on my desk though. Perfect reminder that nostalgia lies about everything – even cheap beer.
