Alright, so I was scrolling through social media last Tuesday when this ad for eHarmony popped up. Again. Felt like it’d been haunting me for weeks. “Fine,” I muttered, “let’s finally see what this pricey hype is about.” Grabbed my laptop and cracked open a beer – figured I’d need it.
Wallet First, Questions Later
First damn shocker? That membership cost. Nearly spilled my drink when I saw it.
- $65 monthly if you commit to 6 months? Highway robbery
- Tried clicking “skip payment options” – nope, locked out
- That “free communication weekend” bait? Didn’t match my schedule
My credit card whimpered when I punched in the digits. Already regretting this.
Profile Hell Marathon
Thought Tinder profiles were tedious? This was next level. Two full hours answering crap like:
- “Do you enjoy philosophical debates?” (Only when drunk)
- “How tidy is your car?” (Fast food wrappers count as decor, right?)
- Rating photos of strangers smiling? Weirdest dating app feature ever
My thumb went numb scrolling through endless personality questions. By the end, I felt psychologically strip-searched.
The Algorithm’s Weird Blind Dates
After that interrogation, the matches started rolling in. Felt like playing dating roulette:
- Got matched with Linda who lives in Delaware. I’m in Ohio.
- Tim’s profile said “Christian conservative”. Mine says “agnostic metalhead”.
- Karen’s photo showed her hugging a python. Promptly hit ‘X’.
Kept getting “high compatibility” tags with folks sharing zero common interests. Their algorithm needs serious help.
Radio Silence & Awkward Chats
The actual conversations were… well.
- Sent 12 thoughtful messages. Got three replies.
- One guy asked if I’d join his pyramid scheme by date two
- Another spent 30 minutes describing his cat’s digestive issues
- That “guided communication” feature? Just made everything more robotic
Honestly preferred my nephew’s middle school flirting techniques.
The Final Verdict After Bleeding Cash
After a month and one awkward coffee date where we discovered we’re third cousins?
- Definitely cancelling before next payment cycle
- Zero actual connections despite “29 matches”
- Wasted money could’ve bought me two nice bottles of Scotch
Is it worth it? Only if you enjoy personality tests, long-distance penpals, and setting money on fire. Might actually have more luck yelling “Wanna date?” in a crowded Walmart. Save your cash and dignity.
