Man, talking about sex and relationships used to trip me up big time. My palms got sweaty just thinking about bringing it up with my partner, like I was about to defuse a bomb or something. Felt super dumb since we’d been together three years!
How I Started Messing Up
First time I tried to have “the chat”? Total disaster. Waited until we were actually in bed after dark, panicked, and just blurted out “DO YOU LIKE THIS POSITION?” in total darkness. My girlfriend thought I got possessed by a sex podcast host. She just froze up and pretended to sleep. Awkward city.
The Dumb Stuff I Tried First
Next, I tried copying movie scenes – poured wine, lit candles, made this creepy serious face. Big mistake. She asked if someone died. Then I bought those terrible conversation starter cards from that cringe company. The questions were things like “If our love was a tree, what fruit would it bear?” I threw them in the trash after one try.
What Finally Half Worked
Changed my approach big time:
- Casual setting ONLY: Stopped trying during sexy times. Asked while washing dishes together or driving to Costco. Neutral ground = less pressure.
- Chunk sized talks: Instead of “discussing our entire sex life,” I’d say “That thing we tried last Tuesday? Felt kinda weird for me. You?”
- Permission slips: Started asking “You good to talk about something clumsy?” If she said not now, I dropped it without pouting. Key.
Epic Fail Turned Win
Still bombed once though. Tried asking about trying new stuff while she was neck deep in tax forms. She snapped “Can this wait? I’m fighting the IRS here dummy!” Felt terrible… BUT next day she brought it up herself! Said “About that sex talk attempt…” and actually thanked me for trying when she couldn’t engage. Who knew getting yelled at could be progress?
Now we keep a running Google doc (sounds nerdy but works). We add little notes anytime something hits us – “Liked that surprise thing Tuesday,” “Maybe go slower here,” “That weird smell?” Helps avoid those intense face-to-face panic talks. It ain’t perfect but hell, we can finally say “sex” without doing awkward jazz hands anymore.
