So, someone asked me about this “4 horsemen” thing in relationships. Honestly, I didn’t learn this stuff in some fancy seminar. It came up because, well, things got messy. You know how it is. You find yourself in the same stupid arguments again and again, and it feels like you’re banging your head against a wall.
I remember things weren’t going great. Not like, terrible, but just… stuck. Lots of tension. Little comments here and there, eye-rolls, shutting down. I started noticing patterns, not just in my own relationship but watching friends too. It felt like some people just had this knack for making small disagreements blow up into huge fights, while others could sort things out.
Then I stumbled across this idea – I think I saw it online somewhere, maybe a video or an article, can’t quite recall. It talked about these four things that really screw up relationships. They called them the “4 horsemen.” Sounded dramatic, but it stuck with me.
The first one they mentioned was Criticism. And yeah, I had to admit, I did that. Not just complaining about a specific thing, like “Hey, you forgot to take out the trash,” but more like, “You always forget the trash, you’re so lazy.” See the difference? It attacks the person, not the action. I started catching myself doing it. It’s sneaky because sometimes you feel totally justified, but it just puts the other person on the defensive.
Which leads right into the next one: Defensiveness. Man, was I king of this one too. Anytime I felt attacked (especially after I’d been critical!), I’d jump right in with excuses, or maybe turn it back around. “Yeah, well, maybe I forgot the trash because I was busy doing this other thing you didn’t do!” It’s like a reflex. Instead of just hearing the other person out, even if they were being critical, I’d put up these walls. It solves absolutely nothing, just escalates things.
Then there’s Contempt. This one felt uglier. It’s like criticism but with added nastiness – sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, making fun of the other person. Thinking you’re better than them. I saw this one more clearly in other couples, thankfully, but I could see hints of it creep in when arguments got really heated. It’s pure poison. It’s saying “I don’t even respect you.” Ouch.
And the last one was Stonewalling. This is when one person just completely shuts down. Stops responding, walks away, gets busy with their phone. Total withdrawal. Sometimes it might seem like the ‘peaceful’ option, like you’re avoiding a fight. But really, it sends a message like “You’re not worth talking to.” I realized I sometimes did this when I felt overwhelmed, just checked out. But the other person just feels abandoned, ignored.
Putting it into Practice (Sort Of)
Okay, so knowing this stuff is one thing. Actually doing something about it? That’s the hard part. It wasn’t like I read about it and suddenly became a communication guru. Far from it.
My first step was just trying to notice these things in real-time. When we’d start arguing, or even just in casual conversation, I’d try to mentally flag it: “Okay, that was criticism.” or “Whoa, major defensiveness there.” Just noticing felt like a small win, even if I couldn’t stop it immediately.
Trying to change my own reactions was clumsy. Trying to replace criticism with a specific complaint (“I felt hurt when you said X”) felt unnatural at first. Trying not to get defensive when I felt criticized? Really tough. My instinct was still to protect myself. And trying to stay engaged instead of stonewalling when I felt flooded took conscious effort, like forcing myself to say “I need a break right now, can we talk later?” instead of just clamming up.
It wasn’t a smooth process. There were plenty of times I fell right back into the old habits. Sometimes I’d notice a “horseman” after the argument was over and kick myself. Sometimes I’d try the ‘right’ way and it would still blow up because, well, relationships involve two people, and you can only control your side.
But slowly, very slowly, just being aware of these patterns started to make a bit of a difference. It gave me a framework, a way to understand why certain arguments felt so destructive. It wasn’t magic, and it didn’t fix everything overnight, but it felt like I finally had a handle on what was going wrong, instead of just feeling lost in the argument fog.
So yeah, that’s my journey with the “4 horsemen.” Still practicing, still messing up sometimes, but definitely more aware than I used to be. It’s just about trying to spot them and maybe, just maybe, choose a different path before things go completely off the rails.
