Alright, so today I figured I’d share something personal ’cause folks keep asking how you really know. Soulmates? Sounds fluffy, right? Nah, it’s messy. Been there, blown it. So after my 3rd long-term crash-and-burn – dude ghosted me after moving in together – I got pissed. Decided to actually figure out what holds people together, ’cause clearly my “gut feeling” meter was busted.
How I Started Stumbling Around
First thing I did? Dug through every stupid self-help book I owned. You know the ones. Felt like reading recycled fortune cookies. All “you’ll feel it in your heart!” Gag me. Needed something concrete. So I grabbed this massive notebook – the cheap drugstore kind – and just started scribbling notes from every date, every fight, every tiny interaction from my past relationships. Real cringe stuff.
Got coffee one Tuesday morning, feeling kinda fried, and realized most folks I knew who were actually happy long-term weren’t talking about sparks. They were talking about… boring stuff? Like, seriously boring. Paying bills together without fighting. Picking each other up from the dentist. So I started listing THAT instead of the romantic movie crap.
Here’s what bubbled up after weeks of staring at those scribbles and talking to actual, tired-but-happy couples in their 40s and 50s:
- Sign 1: Silence Ain’t Awkward. Remember that time with Brad? Third date, spent 10 minutes staring at the menu like it was hieroglyphics? Zero chat. Total crickets. Pure torture. Compare that to chilling with Sarah now on the couch, both on our phones or reading for hours. Comfortable quiet? Feels like a warm blanket.
- Sign 2: The Weird Stuff Doesn’t Weird ‘Em Out. My weird thing? Organizing my spice rack by alphabet and heat level. Brad saw it once, joked I was “anal.” Current dude? He bought me a special stand for it. Like actively encourages the madness. They don’t just tolerate your quirks – they kinda dig ’em, maybe even join in.
- Sign 3: Arguments Don’t Feel Like War. Used to scream matches with Mark. Throwing insults, slamming doors. Hell no. Now? Disagreements suck, yeah. But it’s more like, “Okay, you forgot the rent again. How do we fix this without me strangle you?” Problem-solving mode, not scorched-earth mode.
- Sign 4: You Gut-Check & They’re There. Got laid off last year. Texted him in a total panic at 10 AM. Know what he did? Left work early. Showed up with cheap wine, greasy pizza, and zero judgment. Didn’t try to fix it immediately. Just sat on the floor with me while I cried. Solid. Unshakeable.
- Sign 5: “Boring” Plans Feel Good. Movie nights used to feel like a death sentence if it wasn’t hype enough. Now? Suggesting grocery shopping together on a Saturday? Actually sounds fun. Building a life together, not just chasing dopamine hits.
- Sign 6: Your Flaws Aren’t Hidden Weapons. Past partners? My anxiety became “drama.” My independence became “coldness.” Soulmate territory? They see the messiness. They know it’s part of you. And instead of jabbing at it, they kinda work around it. Like helping me draft scary emails when the anxiety hits.
- Sign 7: Future Talks Don’t Trigger Flight Mode. Bringing up anything beyond next week with exes was like poking a bear. Now? We argue passionately about what kind of ugly patio furniture we want someday. It’s mundane. It’s exciting.
- Sign 8: The Little Stuff Actually Sticks. Mentioned offhand once how my grandma made this specific lemon cake. Birthday rolls around? He found the damn recipe online (took him hours apparently) and tried baking it. Burnt the edges. Still the best cake.
- Sign 9: Personal Growth Isn’t a Threat. Decided to go back to school? Exes acted like it was a personal attack on their time. Current partner rearranged his schedule to drive me to night classes twice a week. Cheers you on, doesn’t hold you back.
- Sign 10: You Can Be Ugly, Inside & Out. Sick with the flu? Snotty, gross, zero makeup, complaining about everything? And they still bring you soup, crack terrible jokes, and look at you like you’re not radioactive. That real-deal acceptance? Hits different.
What Actually Happened
So yeah, wrote all this down. Stuck it on my fridge. Referred back to it constantly when dating after that last disaster. Honestly? It became less about “feeling fireworks” every second and more about ticking these little, boring, real boxes. Dated a few genuinely nice guys where some signs were there, but key ones (like that comfortable silence or future talk ease) were missing. Kept looking. Was it exhausting? Yep.
Then bumped into someone I kinda knew years ago. Nothing dramatic. Coffee turned into lunch, turned into helping him fix his dumb printer (why was I there?), turned into… well, checking every damn boring box on that list slowly, consistently. Not a single grand gesture. Just reliable, comfortable, fundamentally easy partnership vibes mixed with mutual weirdness appreciation.
The biggest surprise? Finding it actually felt less like striking gold and more like… finally finding your perfectly broken-in pair of shoes after years of painful blisters. It just fits. Doesn’t mean it’s effortless magic every day. But it means having someone who makes doing the damn work feel worth it.
My practice proved it: ditch the rose-tinted glasses. Look for the dull, sturdy stuff that actually weathers the storm. The signs are usually way quieter and far less dramatic than we expect.
